Copyright: 2002

Publisher: McGraw-Hill

ISBN: 0-07-140194-6

Before I was hired on at my current company, the entire organization did a group study and review of Crucial Conversations.  After hearing my boss and others talk about the book, I decided to give it a read and fortunately he had an extra copy for me.  The book covers a lot of very practical advice for dealing with conversational situations that frankly we all find ourselves in almost daily.  While it tries to cover a broad span of conversations (home life, work life, social life) I found it to be most useful in dealing with work related conversations.  That is not to say that it would not be useful for someone who is not currently in the work-place, it is just where I found the most usefulness.

What is the book about?

Despite the claims of Kick-starting your career, Improving your organization and revitalizing communities etc... this book is really about practical, day to day interaction with the folks around you.  Crucial conversations are defined as conversations where opinions vary, the stakes are high and emotions run high.  In reality, as you read the book you will find that crucial conversations are really ANY conversation where these three qualifications MAY arise... which is many if not most of our conversations. 

Key Concepts

The Pool of Meaning

The authors explain that a conversation could be analogized as being a "pool of meaning" into which each participant should put as much information as possible.  If any person or persons fails to put as much information as they have available into the pool, the chances of a good outcome are diminished.  Generally the implication is that crucial conversations are going to result in some decision or the other and therefore it is important to get as much information as possible on the table before making the decision.

Start with Heart

The truth is, most of us when we lose our cool in a conversation actually lose sight of what we REALLY want to come out of a conversation.  When you blow up at a fellow employee in the course of a conversation, you usually have switched from "wanting to do what's best for your department" to "wanting to win this argument."  The authors point out that when you feel yourself losing control of the conversation, the first step to getting back in line is start with heart.  The idea is to take a step back and think "in my heart of hearts, what do I want out of this?"

Learn to Look

Another core concept of the book is that regardless of where you stand in the conversation, it is your responsibility to keep an eye out for anything that is hindering the flow of meaning.  It might be your own tactics or it might be someone else withholding information.  In any case, you have to learn to look and pay attention to what is really happening during the conversation. 

Tactics

Contrast - One way to fix mis-understandings is to contrast what you DO mean with what you DON'T mean.  "I don't want you to think that I don't value your contribution, but I DO want you to realize that sometimes we aren't on the same page."

Note the condition at risk - There might be a risk to mutual purpose or there might be risk to mutual respect.  Either of these is bad but you need to note which one is more at risk.

Master the story - Recognize that your emotion is not necessarily driven by the other persons actions.  More likely, your emotion is driven by the STORY that you told yourself about WHY they took those actions.  When you get angry, step back and find a story that could lead a reasonable person to take those actions and you will regain control of your emotions.

Speak persuasively but not abrasively - Share your facts then tell your story about those facts.  Then invite the other person to share their facts and their story.  Then you can explore resolution to the issue.  By stating your side and then actively inviting the other party to state theirs, you take the edge off of the conversation. 

Decision Making

At the end of the day, what matters is NOT the conversation but the result of the conversation.  In too many cases, a great deal of time is spent discussing, wrangling and arguing but then nothing comes of the entire process.  Without a decision at the end of the discussion, there is no positive result regardless of how the conversation was conducted. 

There are four methods of making a decision that the authors explore:

COMMAND - Outside forces demand that a particular course of action be taken.  No discussion is necessary outside of how to handle the decision that is being forced on the group.

CONSULT - The decision maker invites other to influence them but in the end, they are the ones who will make the decision. 

VOTE - When members of the team aren't overly concerned with the outcome and efficiency is valued, a vote can be a very good decision mechanism.

CONSENSUS - You agree to talk until everyone honestly agrees.  This can be a tremendous bonus but also a great time waster so only use it when 1) there are high stakes and complex issues or 2) when everyone's buy-in is necessary.

How to choose how to make a decision is also addressed by the authors.  By looking at who cares about the decision, who has the information, who needs to buy-in and how many people should be bothered with the process, you can come to a reasonable choice among the four listed avenues. 

Conclusion

This book has an incredible wealth of useful advice and tidbits of information that can help you change the way you approach conversations.  I have a copy and I would recommend anyone who wants to get better at conducting meaningful conversations get a copy and read it every so often.  My only complaint is one that I have with a great number of books that are designed to hit the "best sellers" list.  The authors are guilty of what I call the Dr. Phil Syndrome...or Credibility By Capitalization.  They have a great number of catch phrases and cute phrases that they capitalize throughout the book as though they have special meaning outside of the book.  I suppose they are useful memory devices (although for the life of me I can't think of a single one to cite as an example) but in my opinion they detract from an otherwise well written and practical book.